Family Matters





Tamar Wilson /columnist



        It's May and time for transitioning. The kids will be out of school soon.  Reunions are underway. Let the extended time with family begin. I am from a large family. I am the fourth of my mother's and father’s five surviving children. My father is the last of eighteen, so, needless to say, I quickly became use to being around a slew of people that looked and sounded alike.  It wasn't until recent years that I came to grips with the fact that although we came from the same gene pool, we are vastly, things take place within a family unit and families are defined in so many different ways. Whether it's family by genealogical roots, adopted family, church family, or work family, so much weight is placed on the family.   Shakespeare said "What's in a name?"   I reply, A WHOLE LOT! Most fathers want a son so they have someone to carry on their name sake. They want to protect their name and make their name knowVASTLY different.

So many n for greatness. Take names like Trump and Hilton. You expect money to fall from their sweat ducts. In Alabama, what association would you make if I said Bryant? Football! Not just any football, but football greatness. How is your name any different? How valuable is your bloodline and the name attached to it?  Listen carefully. Before we can get to the gold that runs through your bloodline, it is imperative to dig deep beneath the surface and find the blockades to the mine that holds the secrets to making your name great in the earth.  

    Celebrating who you are requires knowing who you are in totality and accepting the good, bad and the ugly that has been present in your lineage, and, if not addressed properly, is sure to manifest itself again and again. Let's discuss some of the attributes that are connected to genetics. Some of the physiological traits are, of course, hair color and texture, eye color, complexion, height, and so forth. You get the picture. Think about. Have you seen a family where the parents are either short or average height but one child is in excess of 6" tall? How about the parents with a deep mahogany complexion, but they have that one child that is a vanilla-Caramel blend, light on the caramel.  Those traits were not expressed in their household but they are definitely in the blood line. Explore with me some other traits that are carried from generation to generation, and although not expressed, are still present. Physical conditions: heart disease, diabetes, cancer, sickle cell anemia, multiple sclerosis, dwarfism, rickets and the list can go on and on. Family members are also predisposed to psychological conditions such as bipolar disease, depression disorders, autism, and attention deficit disorder. Not only do physical and mental conditions have a tendency to become a cycle in family history, but also behaviors and even work ethics. 

 

 

"What's in a name?"

 

 

The expectations for family are higher than that of the average Joe on the street. This gives way for hurts to cut deeper when your family does not live up to your expectations. Not one family is the immaculate, pristine gift to the earth.  Go on and brace yourself for bad choices and the consequences thereof.  Parents please do not be afraid that exposing your hang-ups or what seems to be taboo in your family will make your children live out the mistakes or bad habits of your past.  Being open with them helps them to know what kind of behaviors to look out for and how to fight against being victim to those same mistakes.  Usually when families do not expect their loved ones to be perfect, the possibility of disappointed diminishes.    What we do expect from family is acceptance, love, truth and trust, forgiveness and a giving spirit.    When we are not met with these factors we tend to feel betrayed.  Here is the key that I have learned works.  Give your loved ones what you expect of them but expect nothing in return.  Let that soak in for a minute.  If you expect nothing, how can you become disappointed?   A lot of people have the perception that if you treat me right, then I will treat you right.  You cannot have that mindset, especially with family.  At the end of the day, no matter how estranged you might feel, you are still and will always be connected.  I hear what you are saying.  “This is a good concept, but I have already been hurt by my family through lies, deceit, betrayal, etc.  How do I deal with that?”  First accept that whatever feelings you are having are okay.  You are free to feel whatever your heart needs to feel.  Do not get stuck where you are.  Next, explore what you are feeling: why do you feel that way and what do you need to help you feel better and move on?  By all means, as hard as it may be, talk to that family member who you feel has wronged you. Be honest.  Put everything that needs to be said on the table. While you are getting your list ready to give them a piece of your mind, think on this.  The way you package your message could be the difference between mending a broken relationship and severing ties forever.  How would you want someone to tell you that you have hurt them?  What kind of message would you be open to receiving.  Sometimes tough love is the way, but in the midst of your pow-wow decide if you are being a catalyst for changing to situation for the better or making it worse. Ask yourself, how have you contributed to the problem at hand and how can you make it better.  Your contribution could simply be having ostracized a loved one that you felt did you wrong. You have to power to change your surroundings just be the vibe that you give.  It is possible that your loved one could just need your acceptance, love, truth and trust (which I know takes a while to be earned once it has been lost), to make that transition to being a valuable asset to your dynamic family name.

Maintaining a healthy family relationship takes work. The amount of work you put in is determined by how much family matters to you.  It’s time for a transition from mediocre to extraordinary.   Take your family with you on that journey.